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craving something beautiful

my shoulders are tight and my neck is tense. i'm fighting a continuous headache. my head feels dense...the thoughts are packed so tightly inside.

i have a craving. stronger than anything i've ever felt before. i cannot explain the depths of my thirst and my hunger for Him and His freedom. He breaks chains, and rescues the captives. He holds the weak and rescues the lost. i am craving His touch.

i love mosaics. i love the colors and the designs. i love to step close and look at the individual pieces, then move backwards and see the whole thing. i imagine that i am like that, too. each piece is different...some chipped, some smooth, some colored. but one day, when i look back from His point of view, i'll see something beautiful. knowing that makes me love the jagged edges of those little pieces....they make it what it is.

the death of dreams

i always put my thoughts into writing...eventually. last week, i happened to write an email to a friend and put into words this thing i've been battling recently.

"I used to have dreams. When I was little, I had dreams. In high school, and even parts of college, I had dreams. I don't have dreams anymore. I don't know if I lost them. I don't know if I need them. I don't know if God has more for me. I just know that in the same way that I dreamed about silly things when I was a little girl: my wedding, turning 16, having my own house, traveling the world, changing the world...now I dream of Jesus. All I want is Jesus. All I look for is Jesus. I go to church because the Bible says where two or more are gathered together in HIS name, He is with them. So I go. Jesus is in the eyes of the orphans, the cries of the poor, the brokenness of the widows, the pain of the oppressed...thats where I go. I travel the world because He is in creation. All I want is Him."

proverbs 29:18 "where there is no vision, people perish"

so dreams are important, right? i've felt naked without them. i've been a dreamer as long as i can remember. thinking up incredible things & designing my day before i even began it.

except that those dreams were mine. mine to hold, mine to have, mine to accomplish. and as i pursued them, they became smaller. on the side mirror on my car it says, "objects in mirror are closer than they appear." i feel like my dreams were missing a caption: "dreams you dream are smaller than they appear."

so after mourning the fact that those dreams no longer fit, i finally realized what had happened to them. i'm supposed to die to myself - to live is Christ, but to die is gain. so isn't it valid that my dreams must die in order to make room for His? habbakuk 1:5 says, "look around and be utterly amazed, for i am doing something in your time that you would not believe, even if i told you." ok...great verse. except when i looked at those silly dreams, they were believable. i don't want to pursue the believable...i want to pursue the unbelievable. something that requires Him. something that cannot be accomplished outside of Him. something that makes someone look at my life and say, "it had to be Jesus."

the j-walk

The much anticipated dance video has finally arrived.
*this is a MUCH shortened version...someday, i'll give you the whole thing. :)

a new direction

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.
Psalm 37:23

i will be honest and say this is an awkward blog to write. i want to do my best to express my heart.

i have purposed in my heart to follow the Lord. i made a commitment several years ago to be an "at all cost" Christian. meaning: no matter where, no matter when, no matter the cost. i will honestly admit that i haven't always been so quick to be obedient...but i put my 'yes' on the table a long time ago. and i left it there for good.

the Lord made it clear that He wanted me to follow Him to cairo. so many of you have been on this journey with me since the beginning. on may 27, i boarded a plane and headed to the middle east. on june 17, i boarded a plane headed for tulsa.

it was an easy 'yes' to go...but not so easy to follow Him home. for health reasons, i simply could not stay in cairo. there was no guarantee that things would get better, and He brought me home to heal and recover. as i boarded the plane in cairo, i cried...truly feeling as though i had failed. as i poured over scripture and truly sought the Lord, He reminded me that He was directing my steps. i may have failed in terms of my own plans...but i followed Him, and that is not failure.

i have been home for 5 days, and have appreciated my family. i have wonderful people who love me and support me and only want the best. my health continues to be an issue, but i have a great doctor and incredible prayer support. please continue to pray for me as i remember that HE is the Great Physician and rely on His strength in each moment.

i may have landed in tulsa, but i assure you, the journey is not over. i have found myself on one of the most exciting, stretching, crazy, unexpected adventures. the Lord is working in my heart and in my life, and i am so excited at what He is doing! He is moving in the nations...and that includes THIS nation! i have sought to know His heart for His people...and He so quietly reminded me that my neighbors are included.

i cannot hold in all He is doing. i will continue to journal through His teachings and to shout from the rooftops what He is whispering so sweetly to my heart. your support has meant so much up to this point...feel free to follow along as the journey continues. i'm so excited for what He has.

(PS there is a video...a really really humorous video...that should be posted this week. be prepared. i danced.)

quite a day in cairo...

in the span of two days, april, carrie, and i conquered cairo with our truly awesome dance skills. the video is still being edited, but should be up sometime tomorrow. its ok to cry...we all did at some point.

we had a blast!

we started our day off with a bit of narration...no worries, it gets cut off..



we went to city starts, the khan, the hyatt (to the very top where you can see all of cairo), and hard rock cafe. we stopped a few other places...it was a lot of fun!


April, Carrie and I in our awesome taxi...


...with our awesome taxi driver

hard rock cafe was awesome, as was the top of the hyatt. you could see the whole city from there. i babysat a few nights before and sang "J-sus loves Me" to cairo before he went to bed. i teared up when i started singing, "yes, J-sus loves cairo, yes, J-sus loves cairo. yes, J-sus loves cairo, the B-ble tells me so". as i looked out over the city, those words echoed in my mind and the L-rd reminded me again of His heart for the nations.



and the end of our day came too quickly...and again, the video cuts off. but we have a blast around cairo!



enjoy! this is a small taste of our day. the final video project should be posted soon!

heading west

well...this isn't what i expected. i'll reveal all in the next day or so. but in a few hours, i'll be headed slightly west of where i'm sitting right now.

the L-rd has been so faithful. it must seem so cliche to hear, but i am truly in awe of Him. i truly have strength in ways i didn't know because of Him. He sees each of us, knows where we are at, and meets us right there. not only that, but He knows where we are headed and is there waiting for us to arrive.

i'm so thankful. for so many things. He is good, all the time.